Not Always Strong

I had an anxiety attack last night.

I'm normally pretty good at hiding the fact that I have high anxiety. Last time it got this bad was 5 years ago when my husband was in Korea.

I've just had way too much on my plate lately.

The house has been stressful, 2 weeks of negotiating and waiting on the edge of our seats. Now there's 8 million different inspections and documents to sign. Yesterday I was on the phone with my bank for 2 hours getting the financing finalized (So glad I got our interest rate locked before the election!) I've had to figure out exactly how much money needs to go towards closing and paying for the inspections, plus thinking about things we want to update in the house (its a small list, but there are a few things) plus the actual move itself, the act of packing everything and cleaning up within a month.

I'm starting a new job, right now I'm in the process of getting all my paperwork done over there and figuring out what times I can Yellowhat (shadow) over there, plus I have to renew my PT and CPR certs, which means taking classes.

All while keeping my regular hours at my current job, which in itself is stressful. Sales and dealing with people is always stressful, but usually I can handle it. However in the last 6 months we got a new manager that I don't like as much as our old one. It's almost like he isn't a person sometimes because he can't seem to relate to real life struggles outside of work. And during this same time the company has changed its sales focus like 3 different times, changed its return policies twice, and the discount policies are a confusing nightmare that I'll never understand. It's been a very chaotic time and all the while they are pressuring you to sell, even though I am literally the store's top performer. They know I am and lately seem to put all the work on me while others do next to nothing. I recently got a little pay bump which I'm quite thankful for, but I don't feel as appreciated for my work like I did under our old manager.

Yesterday I went to the first home inspection. It went very well! Then I tried to go to the gym and talk to the head trainer but he was teaching. Then I had a list of 8 other things I needed to do, such as pay bills and settle a return from Amazon, sign up for my CPR class, etc. Then I tried to get some packing done when my bank called and we spent 2 hours going over everything. And it's still not even right because they messed up the numbers on the agreement!

I had to be in bed by 8 to get up at 3:45. My store was running a special event with 150 people attending, so my shift was 4:30-9:30 am and we normally don't open until 10. I've had anxiety about this too. My husband was being unusually insensitive last night right before I had to go to sleep. Normally he's very sweet but he was just being weird for some reason, probably because he is sick right now and doesn't feel good.

The last 2 weeks I've had trouble sleeping because of anxiety and nightmares. I can't shut my brain off. I keep waking up from crazy dreams/nightmares and can't fall back asleep cause my mind just wanders. This morning at 2am I had a dream that a customer was screaming at me. I woke up and my thoughts just exploded into 1,000 directions. In 1 hour I had to get up and deal with 150 people packed in a small space, and personally fit 30+ and try to sell each one of them 6 different things in the span of about 4 hours. That's it. All of a sudden I just broke down. I've been too stressed out by all this stuff happening at the same time and kept it hidden from everyone about just how crazy I am going. But I feel like lately in every situation I am in, I have had all the weight on my shoulders (pun intended) with little help. I just can't do it anymore.

Almost everything that is happening to me right now is good, and I'm very happy that it's all happening. The problem is when it comes to all the little details needed to make it happen I don't deal with that part well and stress out. I need to find a way to not obsess over everything and just think about the present moment. That's always been so hard for me. Today I'm just going to try and relax, and see if I can't let my worries go.

Right now I feel weak. I wish I was mentally stronger than this. I need to find a better way to deal with everything.

Whatever works

So after negotiating our butts off, our house is finally under contract! Now just comes 8.000 different inspections, and provided the house isn't in horrible shape, it will be ours on December 16th!

Yesterday I got a great workout in, which did include a whole bunch of heavy squats. My back has been bothering me lately so I belted up.

#185 for 5 reps, x4

I always tell myself I'm gonna run a couple miles over the weekend. But it almost never happens because my leg day is usually Friday and I'm way too sore to run. So yesterday I just ran after I was done lifting. Brought my running shoes, a pair of running shorts, and a pullover cause it was like 40 degrees. Made sure to wear a bra I can run in. So I just changed, took a GU for some energy, and headed out to the sidewalk that runs along the road by the gym. My Fitbit's batteries were dead, and I also discovered the battery on my Milestone Pod was dead too. So I have no idea, but I guesstimate close to 2 miles. My legs were mad at me for the first few minutes but they acclimated and I started to feel pretty good. And NOW I'm sore, but it doesn't matter because I don't lift again until tomorrow! I think this is something I'm gonna start doing on the regular, as long as I have time on that day.

Post lifting run!

That's about it for now. My husband is really sick right now so hopefully I don't get it and remain 3 for 3 on not getting sick this year.

My Remedy

It's been a less than ideal week for me.

Negotiations for this house we want have been stressful. The people selling it have been really stubborn so we've been back and forth over it, but now we're pretty sure they will accept it. Once it's under contract there will be lots of inspections - this house is out in the country so well, septic, etc. Assuming all that stuff goes ok... we should be moving in mid December. Moving and home buying stresses me the hell out... but it'll all be worth it because this house is freaking amazing.

My time in the gym has been short this week. I got a charlie horse in my calf one night and it messed everything up. I used to get these chronically - one every 3 months or so. They have been better since I became active, and this was my first one in 3 years. It was a bad one though, it's always my left calf and this time it radiated up into my hamstring. My bad hamstring. So not only could I barely walk for a couple days, deadlifting on my bad/sore hamstring wasn't gonna happen.

I finally walked into the gym and saw this

They had cute little pumpkins all over the place! I grabbed this little guy, because he very accurately represents me in the gym. He just gets me.

I needed this so bad. Lifting just helps me forget about the world for a little while. Any problems or negative thoughts I might have just fall away. It's my stress reliever and therapy session. At one point I felt this way about running, but it doesn't have the same effect on me anymore. I think part of it is when you're running you are left to your thoughts to keep you busy. When I'm lifting 200 lbs off the ground I have to focus on what I am doing. I feel bad ass when I'm in the gym, and am usually in a good mood for several hours after I leave.
My pumpkin friends summed it up really well here

Left - before lifting. Right - after lifting!

One of my favorite people has returned to the gym after an injury so that was a pleasant surprise, and I got to chat with a few other cool people as well. It was a good day.

Multiple people at my gym have told me I look like a Viking when I'm working out. Hells yea, that's me :)

Unfortunately the stress is back today... but first thing tomorrow morning I'm gonna squat it away

Life is moving

Things are progressing

We found a house we LOVE about 40 minutes west of here. Just waiting to get some more info from the seller and then we'll most likely put an offer on it.

I am going to get my Yellowhat stuff set up sometime this week and get a plan in place to start intern-ing (?) at some of the early morning classes. I need to get my cert renewed, so that means taking some courses and renewing my CPR cert. I am also going to take an olympic lifting course just for fun.

The next 2 months are gonna be crazy in the best possible way.

Short term plan - work both jobs. Teach 530 am class. Train any clients/lift until 9, then go to my other job. Long term plan - quit other job, I don't wanna be in retail working weekends forever. It'll be alot at first but things should even out eventually. Hopefully this will still be me

Good news is, deload is complete and I'm lifting heavy again. Next week is gonna be 200 for 5 reps on the deadlift. I remember when 200 for 1 rep was but a dream...

Decision

For the last 2 years or so it's been no surprise that I have wanted to move back to Georgia, or just leave this area for something else. There has been little to no opportunity for my husband to get a job in another location. He had some leads in Texas but those jobs weren't what he wanted to do.

So we had a sit down the other day and he told me how much he really likes his job here. He feels like if he left for something else he'd never be able to get back to the point he is at right now. It seems the best choice is indeed to stay here.

I also had something rather interesting come up. Last week the manager at my gym, out of nowhere, asked me if I was interested in being a trainer. !?!? I didn't really know what to say, and at the time my husband hadn't interviewed for the TX position yet. But now that we are staying around here I told her I wanted to learn more about it. I am going to talk to the head trainer to get the details.

It seems several forces compel us to stay here. So we're gonna save up some money (because closing costs are ridiculous here) and purchase a house sometime in the next few months.

New opportunities in a new home, can't wait!

Deadlift Redemption

10 months ago I experienced an injury.  I was in the gym deadlifting when at the end of my last set I felt a twinge in the left side of my lower back. A few hours later I was in intense pain and had to go home and lie down. Little did I know I'd have to rebuild my entire range of motion in my lower back. Things like sitting down to tie my shoes were impossible. Over the next 2 months I started stretching and getting back into light lifting. My back began to feel better. But still I avoided deadlifting until summer of this year. I began working with a coach to help me. We fixed my form and progressed weight slowly as I began to feel more comfortable with it again. Things went well for the most part, my persistently angry left hamstring made things challenging at times but we've been working on alot of hamstring and glute strengthening. I have learned much.

After 3 months of deadlifting I was at the week of my 30th birthday which could only mean one thing - PR week!

Here I am on Friday staring down these deadlifts again. On my 29th birthday I got a 205lb deadlift. One year later, after having to rebuild myself back from negative nothing, what could I get? I know I could get more than 205 because I have been doing sets of 4-5 reps at 195. So I warmed up, belted up, and put 205 on the bar. Easy. Up to 215. Still easy. So now up to 225 which was kind of my soft goal, seeing as how I squatted that on Wednesday. I wanna be able to at least deadlift the same amount if not more. Daniel got the camera out for some video. 225 happened... so now the question was, go for 235? Let's do it. Wiggle into position, grip the bar... deep breath, squeeze glutes and lats... and this was one slow, ugly mofo of a lift but it happened. But of course, Daniel didnt' get it on video cause his hand was in the way or something. And you know video makes everything official so I had to do it again :)  I set up and got it a few inches off the ground, it wasn't happening again. So it appears right now 235 is my 1RM. And I'm fine with that. This is my worst lift and I am basically starting over with it, so this is good for right now. I know where I'm at and I can start working my way up to 250+ from here.

It feels good to be deadlifting again. It's still hard as hell. It freaking wears me out every time. And I know it's never gonna get any easier... but I'll get better

30

Well here I am, 30 years old.

I have come a long way from where I once was. I was once alot more sheltered, introverted, and self conscious. Over the years I have worked in alot of different professions and environments, met all kinds of different people, traveled to and lived in new places. Each experience helped form who I am today. Running, lifting, and obstacle racing have been huge parts of that. 

I have been alot of things over the years. I never thought "athlete" would be one of them. It started with running, which led me to run road races, trail races, and eventually even obstacle course races. Then almost 2 years ago I went to the gym. I started walking into the weight room more. At first the goal was to supplement my obstacle racing and running goals. My training had no real rhyme or reason. Then over time I started picking up heavier weights. And I liked it - A LOT. Lifting made me feel like a badass, and that feeling translated to the outside of the gym as well as I became more confident in myself. My body changed - for the first time in my life I didn't have a pancake ass and my legs became tree trunks. This has taken some getting used to because I got bigger - but also stronger. After awhile my training became more focused around lifting heavy and challenging myself physically. Changing gyms happened about a year ago when I found a functional fitness gym that catered to my needs better and had the most amazing "family" who inspired me to push even harder. And here I am now, training 4 times a week and just doing whatever I can to improve myself.

Running has fallen by the wayside and so has racing. I am just not into it like I used to be. Sometimes I feel bad about abandoning running, the thing that first shaped me into an athlete. But I can't let myself feel guilty for pursuing a passion. Weightlifting gives me that feeling that running once did. As a taller, larger woman I have never been agile or fast. Team sports were never my thing, and there was that one time my mom signed me up for gymnastics... yeah. With running I got ok, but I knew I wasn't cut out for endurance running. As a child I was good at swimming and even then had alot of upper body strength. I have muscle power and endurance. I can crush weights in the gym for HOURS. It's like this sport was meant for me. 

I am a weightlifter. What direction I will go with it, I'm not really sure. I will probably attempt a powerlifting competition and when I move I will probably end up at a Crossfit box. As long as I can lift heavy shit and feel awesome.

Tired gym face

And to help celebrate my birthday yesterday - I got 30 started off right with some PR attempts! I slept in, ate some good fuel, and got into the gym to discover it empty aside from trainer Sean. He was benching heavy so I asked if he could spot me for this PR attempt. But first it was time to squat. 

My old PR from April was 205. Goal - anything over 205. I did my warm up sets, belted and braced up for my attempt at 215. I got a good explosive push out of the squat which meant it was TOO EASY! Loaded 225 and fought to get that bar up which means yep, that's my max! 

This could be 2 big plates on each side!

Ok, feeling pretty damn awesome! Time to bench. I needed to beat 125 which I did 3 months ago or something. Goal - 130. I called in my awesome spotter Sean and got to work on that 130. WAY too easy. I put 140 on the bar. I was kind of in disbelief, like can I really lift this thing? The first attempt I had my grip too wide and I didn't really get it, so I corrected it and went in for attempt 2. That was one ugly lift and I had a teensy bit of help from Sean, but I bench pressed 140 lbs. 

And this could be 1 big plate + on each side!

I had NO IDEA I would do that well. Sean was like "well you must be stronger than you think you are!" I guess, god damn. Having no one to compare myself to, I did some research and I am OVER the standard for a (not even) 2-year old weightlifter. I am really happy with how well I did. Now the pressure is on to get a 225+ lb deadlift because theoretically you're supposed to deadlift MORE than your squat, but it is my worst lift and I have had to build myself back up after injury. But tomorrow I'm gonna get it, even if I have to use straps to deal with grip strength. 

30 will be my strongest year yet.