Defeated.

Sigh.

(To anyone who may be reading, this is about to get super depressing and self centered. But I have to vent)

It's been about a week since I started exercising normally again. Ran 10 miles. At first my back pain was unchanged, but around sunday it started to slowly get worse. This morning I got up early for a before-work run and it was just bad. My back actually hurt during running. Not a good sign. Only did 2 miles, then came back in to stretch and ice it. I thought I was better, but I guess not.

Today I thought long and hard about this.

I have got to call it quits until this gets resolved.

I feel like no one has any idea how hard this is. 8 months ago I started running. Something I have always been bad at. Something I did not HAVE to do. But I did it. Got better at it. Began to crave it, even. All just to have it ripped away from me. I can't help but question why. Yeah, injuries are common... I'm not the only one, there have been many before and many will come after me who deal with the exact same thing. But it just feels like, I'm trying to do everything the right way... be healthy, active, and strong... yet here I am, sidelined. In the same place as so many of the bed ridden, pill popping, lazy and overweight Americans. This is just ...insanely frustrating.

I cried alot today. This hurts my pride. It sucks. But I need to swallow my pride, take the L now, and get through recovery. Otherwise I'll just end up injuring myself worse, and possibly permanently - if I haven't done so already.

My plan is to try and make an appointment with a doctor at the Army hospital. They may try to diagnose me there, or maybe they will just refer me to a specialist. Physical therapy might be an option, I've heard good things about it. I don't think chiropractic is going to help me a whole lot. It's a slow process, plus it's costly as my insurance does not cover it. I also feel like the chiro isn't able to answer my questions and help me with my specific situation. So I'm going to be seen by a real doctor, get their opinion, and then hopefully receive some care which my insurance can cover - because it's starting to look like I'm in this for the long haul. I need the right care that won't break my bank.

Since I am signed up for a 5k on the 18th, and Warrior Dash (attempt #2, mind you) on the 1st, I will still do those. But I won't be running or signing up for any new races until I'm pretty confident I am healed. That's not to say I won't run an easy mile every now and again... just not 3x a week like I was doing. I will continue to lift weights and do back friendly yoga poses. I walk alot too and plan on keeping that up. I'm going to be so freaking restless without running... I gotta have an outlet somewhere!

I feel... insanely down, and defeated right now. But I have to do what's best for me long term. I can't let my pride get the better of me and run through the pain, only to wind up severely injured later on. My husband sat with me this afternoon through my whole crying moping mess, and as always helped bring me back into reality a little bit. He's dealt with running related injuries as well, and they affect his job since he's in the military and has to pass PT tests. They affect whether or not he gets promoted. While it's harder on an emotional level to become attached to something on your own free will and no longer be able to do it, for him it is quite stressful. So that kind of helped me realize maybe my situation isn't so bad. I'm not the only one, even if it feels like it.

This might be a pretty long road. I need some time to process all of this and come to terms with it. But my first step will be trying to see a doctor and pursuing the next avenue of treatment.


So for now I say... Running - farewell... until we meet again...