I dunno why, I've been in a funk all week.
I suppose it started on Monday when I didn't make any progress on the rope climb at the gym. I actually did worse. Nevermind the fact that I had just done a bunch of jumping pull ups, push ups on a stability ball, and dips before attempting the climb. I didn't meet my expectations and it killed my day. Then on Tuesday I did my interval run. When my watch is in interval mode it doesn't show me my pace. Come to find out my pace "in my brain" didn't match up to what the watch said at the end. Killer #2. Today's run - worked my ass off for a sub 9 min/mile 5k in my hilly neighborhood. 9:08. Plus my trail runs have been slow.
This week has made me increasingly aware of how others judge us. I witnessed a woman at the commissary who was wearing a shirt reading "I'm totally obsessed with Jesus!" ROLL HER EYES at me as a "rocker chick" mom of 2 young kids walked past, clearly judging this mom negatively based on her appearance. A man at work, known for being a flirt, drove his golf car straight past me to pick up the "pretty girls" and take them up to the building. We are all constantly judging and being judged based on appearance. I am realizing that I will be judged as such when I become a personal trainer. And I have a belly pouch and fat arms. My belly is stubbornly hard to lose because I suffer from Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My PCOS symptoms are so bad this week. Why does it have to be so hard for me?
I have allowed all of these feelings to get me down this week. Completely ignoring the fact that I have only been back in the gym for 2 weeks. I have only been doing long distance trail runs consistently for 3 weeks. It's completely unrealistic for me to expect results at this point. Improvements? Maybe. I was so caught up in my negativity that I blocked out the small victories. On Monday I managed to exactly replicate the soreness in my shoulders, chest, and back after completing the Battlefrog obstacle race. That means I did something awesome in the gym all on my own. And on Tuesday - I know I worked hard. Could I have worked harder? Maybe. But I do know the watch probably didn't average my pace correctly because of the walk breaks. This morning - I was only 8 seconds off of my goal. I'm going to continue to push myself harder on my weekday runs.
Even though I was once 200 lbs, I still struggle with my body image at times. My solution is to go back and look at old pictures to remind myself of how far I have come. This morning I took some bathroom selfies this morning to illustrate a point to myself. I have made so much progress. I am not fat and there are many people who have much more difficult struggles with weight. I can't let myself obsess over the last remaining pockets of pudge. I just have to trust that with time and hard work it will happen. And it already has a little bit - my work pants fit better than they did a month ago.
It's so easy for us to lose our perspective and forget where we came from. Whenever our self image is poor we have to remember the past and consider the journey it took to get to where we are now. And one hell of an epic journey it has been, filled with experiences, stories, and memories that can't be seen simply by looking at me. There is so much more to me than what I look like.
I'm not discouraged in the least. I will continue to work hard.
My diet will be tweaked a bit - trying to squeeze in more veggies with my meals and I'm switching out my current morning snack (oats with coconut sugar and cinnamon) for 2 hard boiled eggs - swapping carbs for more protein. I'm going to aim to eat protein with every lunch and dinner.
During EVERY run, gym workout, yoga session, whatever - I'm going to push myself and not quit until I've given it everything and I'm drenched in sweat.
...On a completely random note - look what showed up today! Looking forward to running another race with my Augusta/Columbia teammates!
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