When I'm too hard on myself

It's Thursday, and I'm finally getting back to normal. It took me about a week to get back into the gym due to being ill last week - then on top of that, over the weekend I had girl troubles and also ran out of my blood pressure meds. I felt like shit on Sunday and had to go 3 more days without my meds. Seems like everything falls apart at once sometimes.

Yesterday was my first time back in the gym and it happened to be a deadlift day. We had 1 hour to work with because I missed last week, so at the end we worked on pull ups and some other accessory stuff.

Ever look back on yourself and say "Wow, I was really acting like a douche!" Well that was me yesterday. I was really down on myself in the gym and made alot of comments about how all this stuff was wrong with me right now, how I need to lose weight to get back to where I used to be with pull ups, and while we were doing some lunges my knee started to hurt so that launched a discussion about the various "broken" parts of my body. I felt so tired - my heart was racing and I thought it was about to pop out of my chest. Not having my meds was taking a huge toll. I felt like a weakling struggling to get through this workout which wasn't even anything too crazy challenging aside from the deads. After I left the gym I realized what a whiny little bitch I must have sounded like. I guess it's easy to be your own worst enemy when life doesn't go smoothly. And I am particularly hard on myself, my entire life I have struggled with self esteem issues and as my husband puts it "kicked my own ass before I even started the fight". Yesterday I realized something. No, I may not be lifting as heavy as I want to right now, but I am back where I was 1 year ago when this picture below was taken - I had just gotten my first big PR of 185.

That gym had tiny ass bumper plates but yes, it's 185

Yesterday I did it 3 times and probably could have gone another set - my limiting factor was grip because a week of not doing anything caused my calluses to peel off. This weight was challenging but doable. And best of all, I am having no pain at my injury site. I am feeling it in all the right places as opposed to before when my form was all wrong. Yes, I may be too hard on myself, but I'm making progress. Could I pull 205 on my birthday again this year? Yes, and I'll probably try for 215 at least. 230 is possible with time and training. And while I feel like I've been stuck in the same place forever, I am still pretty strong. When I feel like I'm overweight people always remind me I'm in decent shape. This week I had THREE people ask what my sport was because I looked "strong" or in "good shape" and one person asked me if I was a swimmer - yes, I used to be!

I just realized I gotta cut this short and get over to the gym for bootcamp... so until next time ....