The Suffering

So it's the first weekend in a long time where I am NOT racing! How am I spending my time?

Well, last night I went on a spontaneous ice skating adventure! We have this friend that my husband works with and I guess she has been really into ice skating with her quasi-boyfriend, so we joined up with them. And I ice skated for the first time in at least 10 years. It was fun! I'm not amazing at it but I did ok, and more importantly I did not fall on my ass! 

I fully expected my feet and ankles to be furiously sore today, but they aren't sore at all!

I had a nice morning with my husband - breakfast at Cracker Barrel. However - lately there has been this growing, creeping feeling inside me. Frustration. Pent up energy. The need to do STUFF. 

See, the last 2 months have been quite busy for me.

I have run 5 obstacle course races - 

2 Spartan Sprints

1 Warrior Dash

1 Tough Mudder

1 Marine Mud Challenge

And a 10 mile trail race

And I kind of fell into a pattern - race saturday, be sore for 4 days - but then by the time I stop being sore, it's 2 days before my next race and I don't want to be worn out and sore on race morning. Why train? What's the point when I just have another race? I probably shouldn't have done this, but it happened. 

I've kind of been going crazy from lack of exercise. 2 years ago I never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth.

So this afternoon around 2:30 I was fed up. I stood up and proclaimed to my husband "I'm going running."

It's 85 degrees and humid. 'Yall know I can't take the heat. But I didn't care. 

I went out there for 2 laps around my neighborhood. I was sweating before I even started running. I began my run. A neighbor was grilling out and the smell nauseated me. The long, gradual incline at the front half of my neighborhood slowed me down. The heat was setting in. I fought hard to control my breathing, to abstain from taking short and shallow breaths and instead take slow, deep breaths. My head was pounding. That Cracker Barrel breakfast was regretted. Sweat was pouring into my eyes. My legs became heavy. I passed my house once and wanted to stop. But I did not let myself. I finished faster than my last training run which was a month ago.

The whole time, 2 thoughts were repeating in my head. 

"Why am I doing this?"

"I love this!"

When reflecting on the last 2 months and today's experience, I have realized. I love the suffering. I thought back to something Joe Desena (creator of Spartan Race) said - "You have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable" and he pretty much hit the nail on the head. Embrace the pain and suffering. Rise above it and conquer it. I push myself. I am tired, aching, bruised, bleeding, physically and mentally drained, and even scared at times. But in these moments I am free. There is just something about challenging your limits, something about simply getting out and moving the way nature intended, that is just truly liberating. Whatever bullshit you're dealing with in life is gone. It's just you, the great outdoors, and some good old fashioned hard work. And I feel alive. I'm doing what humans were meant to do.

I probably sound crazy and I know it's something few people will understand. But it's who I am. I want to explore, go on adventures, be outside in nature. I want to use and improve the body I have - to push pull, carry, lift, climb, run, and jump. I love having stories to tell. My mission in life - Do epic shit. 

Now I am about to sound even crazier. I have signed up for the Spartan Super in Virginia. 8-10 miles of black diamond ski hills, plus 20 obstacles. This course is BRUTAL. People have said that this course is harder than a Spartan Beast. I'm scared. But I have until August to train. Hills. Walls and ropes. Carrying things. I'm going to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.