Not Always Strong

I had an anxiety attack last night.

I'm normally pretty good at hiding the fact that I have high anxiety. Last time it got this bad was 5 years ago when my husband was in Korea.

I've just had way too much on my plate lately.

The house has been stressful, 2 weeks of negotiating and waiting on the edge of our seats. Now there's 8 million different inspections and documents to sign. Yesterday I was on the phone with my bank for 2 hours getting the financing finalized (So glad I got our interest rate locked before the election!) I've had to figure out exactly how much money needs to go towards closing and paying for the inspections, plus thinking about things we want to update in the house (its a small list, but there are a few things) plus the actual move itself, the act of packing everything and cleaning up within a month.

I'm starting a new job, right now I'm in the process of getting all my paperwork done over there and figuring out what times I can Yellowhat (shadow) over there, plus I have to renew my PT and CPR certs, which means taking classes.

All while keeping my regular hours at my current job, which in itself is stressful. Sales and dealing with people is always stressful, but usually I can handle it. However in the last 6 months we got a new manager that I don't like as much as our old one. It's almost like he isn't a person sometimes because he can't seem to relate to real life struggles outside of work. And during this same time the company has changed its sales focus like 3 different times, changed its return policies twice, and the discount policies are a confusing nightmare that I'll never understand. It's been a very chaotic time and all the while they are pressuring you to sell, even though I am literally the store's top performer. They know I am and lately seem to put all the work on me while others do next to nothing. I recently got a little pay bump which I'm quite thankful for, but I don't feel as appreciated for my work like I did under our old manager.

Yesterday I went to the first home inspection. It went very well! Then I tried to go to the gym and talk to the head trainer but he was teaching. Then I had a list of 8 other things I needed to do, such as pay bills and settle a return from Amazon, sign up for my CPR class, etc. Then I tried to get some packing done when my bank called and we spent 2 hours going over everything. And it's still not even right because they messed up the numbers on the agreement!

I had to be in bed by 8 to get up at 3:45. My store was running a special event with 150 people attending, so my shift was 4:30-9:30 am and we normally don't open until 10. I've had anxiety about this too. My husband was being unusually insensitive last night right before I had to go to sleep. Normally he's very sweet but he was just being weird for some reason, probably because he is sick right now and doesn't feel good.

The last 2 weeks I've had trouble sleeping because of anxiety and nightmares. I can't shut my brain off. I keep waking up from crazy dreams/nightmares and can't fall back asleep cause my mind just wanders. This morning at 2am I had a dream that a customer was screaming at me. I woke up and my thoughts just exploded into 1,000 directions. In 1 hour I had to get up and deal with 150 people packed in a small space, and personally fit 30+ and try to sell each one of them 6 different things in the span of about 4 hours. That's it. All of a sudden I just broke down. I've been too stressed out by all this stuff happening at the same time and kept it hidden from everyone about just how crazy I am going. But I feel like lately in every situation I am in, I have had all the weight on my shoulders (pun intended) with little help. I just can't do it anymore.

Almost everything that is happening to me right now is good, and I'm very happy that it's all happening. The problem is when it comes to all the little details needed to make it happen I don't deal with that part well and stress out. I need to find a way to not obsess over everything and just think about the present moment. That's always been so hard for me. Today I'm just going to try and relax, and see if I can't let my worries go.

Right now I feel weak. I wish I was mentally stronger than this. I need to find a better way to deal with everything.

Whatever works

So after negotiating our butts off, our house is finally under contract! Now just comes 8.000 different inspections, and provided the house isn't in horrible shape, it will be ours on December 16th!

Yesterday I got a great workout in, which did include a whole bunch of heavy squats. My back has been bothering me lately so I belted up.

#185 for 5 reps, x4

I always tell myself I'm gonna run a couple miles over the weekend. But it almost never happens because my leg day is usually Friday and I'm way too sore to run. So yesterday I just ran after I was done lifting. Brought my running shoes, a pair of running shorts, and a pullover cause it was like 40 degrees. Made sure to wear a bra I can run in. So I just changed, took a GU for some energy, and headed out to the sidewalk that runs along the road by the gym. My Fitbit's batteries were dead, and I also discovered the battery on my Milestone Pod was dead too. So I have no idea, but I guesstimate close to 2 miles. My legs were mad at me for the first few minutes but they acclimated and I started to feel pretty good. And NOW I'm sore, but it doesn't matter because I don't lift again until tomorrow! I think this is something I'm gonna start doing on the regular, as long as I have time on that day.

Post lifting run!

That's about it for now. My husband is really sick right now so hopefully I don't get it and remain 3 for 3 on not getting sick this year.

My Remedy

It's been a less than ideal week for me.

Negotiations for this house we want have been stressful. The people selling it have been really stubborn so we've been back and forth over it, but now we're pretty sure they will accept it. Once it's under contract there will be lots of inspections - this house is out in the country so well, septic, etc. Assuming all that stuff goes ok... we should be moving in mid December. Moving and home buying stresses me the hell out... but it'll all be worth it because this house is freaking amazing.

My time in the gym has been short this week. I got a charlie horse in my calf one night and it messed everything up. I used to get these chronically - one every 3 months or so. They have been better since I became active, and this was my first one in 3 years. It was a bad one though, it's always my left calf and this time it radiated up into my hamstring. My bad hamstring. So not only could I barely walk for a couple days, deadlifting on my bad/sore hamstring wasn't gonna happen.

I finally walked into the gym and saw this

They had cute little pumpkins all over the place! I grabbed this little guy, because he very accurately represents me in the gym. He just gets me.

I needed this so bad. Lifting just helps me forget about the world for a little while. Any problems or negative thoughts I might have just fall away. It's my stress reliever and therapy session. At one point I felt this way about running, but it doesn't have the same effect on me anymore. I think part of it is when you're running you are left to your thoughts to keep you busy. When I'm lifting 200 lbs off the ground I have to focus on what I am doing. I feel bad ass when I'm in the gym, and am usually in a good mood for several hours after I leave.
My pumpkin friends summed it up really well here

Left - before lifting. Right - after lifting!

One of my favorite people has returned to the gym after an injury so that was a pleasant surprise, and I got to chat with a few other cool people as well. It was a good day.

Multiple people at my gym have told me I look like a Viking when I'm working out. Hells yea, that's me :)

Unfortunately the stress is back today... but first thing tomorrow morning I'm gonna squat it away