I'm normally pretty good at hiding the fact that I have high anxiety. Last time it got this bad was 5 years ago when my husband was in Korea.
I've just had way too much on my plate lately.
The house has been stressful, 2 weeks of negotiating and waiting on the edge of our seats. Now there's 8 million different inspections and documents to sign. Yesterday I was on the phone with my bank for 2 hours getting the financing finalized (So glad I got our interest rate locked before the election!) I've had to figure out exactly how much money needs to go towards closing and paying for the inspections, plus thinking about things we want to update in the house (its a small list, but there are a few things) plus the actual move itself, the act of packing everything and cleaning up within a month.
I'm starting a new job, right now I'm in the process of getting all my paperwork done over there and figuring out what times I can Yellowhat (shadow) over there, plus I have to renew my PT and CPR certs, which means taking classes.
All while keeping my regular hours at my current job, which in itself is stressful. Sales and dealing with people is always stressful, but usually I can handle it. However in the last 6 months we got a new manager that I don't like as much as our old one. It's almost like he isn't a person sometimes because he can't seem to relate to real life struggles outside of work. And during this same time the company has changed its sales focus like 3 different times, changed its return policies twice, and the discount policies are a confusing nightmare that I'll never understand. It's been a very chaotic time and all the while they are pressuring you to sell, even though I am literally the store's top performer. They know I am and lately seem to put all the work on me while others do next to nothing. I recently got a little pay bump which I'm quite thankful for, but I don't feel as appreciated for my work like I did under our old manager.
Yesterday I went to the first home inspection. It went very well! Then I tried to go to the gym and talk to the head trainer but he was teaching. Then I had a list of 8 other things I needed to do, such as pay bills and settle a return from Amazon, sign up for my CPR class, etc. Then I tried to get some packing done when my bank called and we spent 2 hours going over everything. And it's still not even right because they messed up the numbers on the agreement!
I had to be in bed by 8 to get up at 3:45. My store was running a special event with 150 people attending, so my shift was 4:30-9:30 am and we normally don't open until 10. I've had anxiety about this too. My husband was being unusually insensitive last night right before I had to go to sleep. Normally he's very sweet but he was just being weird for some reason, probably because he is sick right now and doesn't feel good.
The last 2 weeks I've had trouble sleeping because of anxiety and nightmares. I can't shut my brain off. I keep waking up from crazy dreams/nightmares and can't fall back asleep cause my mind just wanders. This morning at 2am I had a dream that a customer was screaming at me. I woke up and my thoughts just exploded into 1,000 directions. In 1 hour I had to get up and deal with 150 people packed in a small space, and personally fit 30+ and try to sell each one of them 6 different things in the span of about 4 hours. That's it. All of a sudden I just broke down. I've been too stressed out by all this stuff happening at the same time and kept it hidden from everyone about just how crazy I am going. But I feel like lately in every situation I am in, I have had all the weight on my shoulders (pun intended) with little help. I just can't do it anymore.
Almost everything that is happening to me right now is good, and I'm very happy that it's all happening. The problem is when it comes to all the little details needed to make it happen I don't deal with that part well and stress out. I need to find a way to not obsess over everything and just think about the present moment. That's always been so hard for me. Today I'm just going to try and relax, and see if I can't let my worries go.
Right now I feel weak. I wish I was mentally stronger than this. I need to find a better way to deal with everything.
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