Not Always Strong

I had an anxiety attack last night.

I'm normally pretty good at hiding the fact that I have high anxiety. Last time it got this bad was 5 years ago when my husband was in Korea.

I've just had way too much on my plate lately.

The house has been stressful, 2 weeks of negotiating and waiting on the edge of our seats. Now there's 8 million different inspections and documents to sign. Yesterday I was on the phone with my bank for 2 hours getting the financing finalized (So glad I got our interest rate locked before the election!) I've had to figure out exactly how much money needs to go towards closing and paying for the inspections, plus thinking about things we want to update in the house (its a small list, but there are a few things) plus the actual move itself, the act of packing everything and cleaning up within a month.

I'm starting a new job, right now I'm in the process of getting all my paperwork done over there and figuring out what times I can Yellowhat (shadow) over there, plus I have to renew my PT and CPR certs, which means taking classes.

All while keeping my regular hours at my current job, which in itself is stressful. Sales and dealing with people is always stressful, but usually I can handle it. However in the last 6 months we got a new manager that I don't like as much as our old one. It's almost like he isn't a person sometimes because he can't seem to relate to real life struggles outside of work. And during this same time the company has changed its sales focus like 3 different times, changed its return policies twice, and the discount policies are a confusing nightmare that I'll never understand. It's been a very chaotic time and all the while they are pressuring you to sell, even though I am literally the store's top performer. They know I am and lately seem to put all the work on me while others do next to nothing. I recently got a little pay bump which I'm quite thankful for, but I don't feel as appreciated for my work like I did under our old manager.

Yesterday I went to the first home inspection. It went very well! Then I tried to go to the gym and talk to the head trainer but he was teaching. Then I had a list of 8 other things I needed to do, such as pay bills and settle a return from Amazon, sign up for my CPR class, etc. Then I tried to get some packing done when my bank called and we spent 2 hours going over everything. And it's still not even right because they messed up the numbers on the agreement!

I had to be in bed by 8 to get up at 3:45. My store was running a special event with 150 people attending, so my shift was 4:30-9:30 am and we normally don't open until 10. I've had anxiety about this too. My husband was being unusually insensitive last night right before I had to go to sleep. Normally he's very sweet but he was just being weird for some reason, probably because he is sick right now and doesn't feel good.

The last 2 weeks I've had trouble sleeping because of anxiety and nightmares. I can't shut my brain off. I keep waking up from crazy dreams/nightmares and can't fall back asleep cause my mind just wanders. This morning at 2am I had a dream that a customer was screaming at me. I woke up and my thoughts just exploded into 1,000 directions. In 1 hour I had to get up and deal with 150 people packed in a small space, and personally fit 30+ and try to sell each one of them 6 different things in the span of about 4 hours. That's it. All of a sudden I just broke down. I've been too stressed out by all this stuff happening at the same time and kept it hidden from everyone about just how crazy I am going. But I feel like lately in every situation I am in, I have had all the weight on my shoulders (pun intended) with little help. I just can't do it anymore.

Almost everything that is happening to me right now is good, and I'm very happy that it's all happening. The problem is when it comes to all the little details needed to make it happen I don't deal with that part well and stress out. I need to find a way to not obsess over everything and just think about the present moment. That's always been so hard for me. Today I'm just going to try and relax, and see if I can't let my worries go.

Right now I feel weak. I wish I was mentally stronger than this. I need to find a better way to deal with everything.

Whatever works

So after negotiating our butts off, our house is finally under contract! Now just comes 8.000 different inspections, and provided the house isn't in horrible shape, it will be ours on December 16th!

Yesterday I got a great workout in, which did include a whole bunch of heavy squats. My back has been bothering me lately so I belted up.

#185 for 5 reps, x4

I always tell myself I'm gonna run a couple miles over the weekend. But it almost never happens because my leg day is usually Friday and I'm way too sore to run. So yesterday I just ran after I was done lifting. Brought my running shoes, a pair of running shorts, and a pullover cause it was like 40 degrees. Made sure to wear a bra I can run in. So I just changed, took a GU for some energy, and headed out to the sidewalk that runs along the road by the gym. My Fitbit's batteries were dead, and I also discovered the battery on my Milestone Pod was dead too. So I have no idea, but I guesstimate close to 2 miles. My legs were mad at me for the first few minutes but they acclimated and I started to feel pretty good. And NOW I'm sore, but it doesn't matter because I don't lift again until tomorrow! I think this is something I'm gonna start doing on the regular, as long as I have time on that day.

Post lifting run!

That's about it for now. My husband is really sick right now so hopefully I don't get it and remain 3 for 3 on not getting sick this year.

My Remedy

It's been a less than ideal week for me.

Negotiations for this house we want have been stressful. The people selling it have been really stubborn so we've been back and forth over it, but now we're pretty sure they will accept it. Once it's under contract there will be lots of inspections - this house is out in the country so well, septic, etc. Assuming all that stuff goes ok... we should be moving in mid December. Moving and home buying stresses me the hell out... but it'll all be worth it because this house is freaking amazing.

My time in the gym has been short this week. I got a charlie horse in my calf one night and it messed everything up. I used to get these chronically - one every 3 months or so. They have been better since I became active, and this was my first one in 3 years. It was a bad one though, it's always my left calf and this time it radiated up into my hamstring. My bad hamstring. So not only could I barely walk for a couple days, deadlifting on my bad/sore hamstring wasn't gonna happen.

I finally walked into the gym and saw this

They had cute little pumpkins all over the place! I grabbed this little guy, because he very accurately represents me in the gym. He just gets me.

I needed this so bad. Lifting just helps me forget about the world for a little while. Any problems or negative thoughts I might have just fall away. It's my stress reliever and therapy session. At one point I felt this way about running, but it doesn't have the same effect on me anymore. I think part of it is when you're running you are left to your thoughts to keep you busy. When I'm lifting 200 lbs off the ground I have to focus on what I am doing. I feel bad ass when I'm in the gym, and am usually in a good mood for several hours after I leave.
My pumpkin friends summed it up really well here

Left - before lifting. Right - after lifting!

One of my favorite people has returned to the gym after an injury so that was a pleasant surprise, and I got to chat with a few other cool people as well. It was a good day.

Multiple people at my gym have told me I look like a Viking when I'm working out. Hells yea, that's me :)

Unfortunately the stress is back today... but first thing tomorrow morning I'm gonna squat it away

Life is moving

Things are progressing

We found a house we LOVE about 40 minutes west of here. Just waiting to get some more info from the seller and then we'll most likely put an offer on it.

I am going to get my Yellowhat stuff set up sometime this week and get a plan in place to start intern-ing (?) at some of the early morning classes. I need to get my cert renewed, so that means taking some courses and renewing my CPR cert. I am also going to take an olympic lifting course just for fun.

The next 2 months are gonna be crazy in the best possible way.

Short term plan - work both jobs. Teach 530 am class. Train any clients/lift until 9, then go to my other job. Long term plan - quit other job, I don't wanna be in retail working weekends forever. It'll be alot at first but things should even out eventually. Hopefully this will still be me

Good news is, deload is complete and I'm lifting heavy again. Next week is gonna be 200 for 5 reps on the deadlift. I remember when 200 for 1 rep was but a dream...

Decision

For the last 2 years or so it's been no surprise that I have wanted to move back to Georgia, or just leave this area for something else. There has been little to no opportunity for my husband to get a job in another location. He had some leads in Texas but those jobs weren't what he wanted to do.

So we had a sit down the other day and he told me how much he really likes his job here. He feels like if he left for something else he'd never be able to get back to the point he is at right now. It seems the best choice is indeed to stay here.

I also had something rather interesting come up. Last week the manager at my gym, out of nowhere, asked me if I was interested in being a trainer. !?!? I didn't really know what to say, and at the time my husband hadn't interviewed for the TX position yet. But now that we are staying around here I told her I wanted to learn more about it. I am going to talk to the head trainer to get the details.

It seems several forces compel us to stay here. So we're gonna save up some money (because closing costs are ridiculous here) and purchase a house sometime in the next few months.

New opportunities in a new home, can't wait!

Deadlift Redemption

10 months ago I experienced an injury.  I was in the gym deadlifting when at the end of my last set I felt a twinge in the left side of my lower back. A few hours later I was in intense pain and had to go home and lie down. Little did I know I'd have to rebuild my entire range of motion in my lower back. Things like sitting down to tie my shoes were impossible. Over the next 2 months I started stretching and getting back into light lifting. My back began to feel better. But still I avoided deadlifting until summer of this year. I began working with a coach to help me. We fixed my form and progressed weight slowly as I began to feel more comfortable with it again. Things went well for the most part, my persistently angry left hamstring made things challenging at times but we've been working on alot of hamstring and glute strengthening. I have learned much.

After 3 months of deadlifting I was at the week of my 30th birthday which could only mean one thing - PR week!

Here I am on Friday staring down these deadlifts again. On my 29th birthday I got a 205lb deadlift. One year later, after having to rebuild myself back from negative nothing, what could I get? I know I could get more than 205 because I have been doing sets of 4-5 reps at 195. So I warmed up, belted up, and put 205 on the bar. Easy. Up to 215. Still easy. So now up to 225 which was kind of my soft goal, seeing as how I squatted that on Wednesday. I wanna be able to at least deadlift the same amount if not more. Daniel got the camera out for some video. 225 happened... so now the question was, go for 235? Let's do it. Wiggle into position, grip the bar... deep breath, squeeze glutes and lats... and this was one slow, ugly mofo of a lift but it happened. But of course, Daniel didnt' get it on video cause his hand was in the way or something. And you know video makes everything official so I had to do it again :)  I set up and got it a few inches off the ground, it wasn't happening again. So it appears right now 235 is my 1RM. And I'm fine with that. This is my worst lift and I am basically starting over with it, so this is good for right now. I know where I'm at and I can start working my way up to 250+ from here.

It feels good to be deadlifting again. It's still hard as hell. It freaking wears me out every time. And I know it's never gonna get any easier... but I'll get better

30

Well here I am, 30 years old.

I have come a long way from where I once was. I was once alot more sheltered, introverted, and self conscious. Over the years I have worked in alot of different professions and environments, met all kinds of different people, traveled to and lived in new places. Each experience helped form who I am today. Running, lifting, and obstacle racing have been huge parts of that. 

I have been alot of things over the years. I never thought "athlete" would be one of them. It started with running, which led me to run road races, trail races, and eventually even obstacle course races. Then almost 2 years ago I went to the gym. I started walking into the weight room more. At first the goal was to supplement my obstacle racing and running goals. My training had no real rhyme or reason. Then over time I started picking up heavier weights. And I liked it - A LOT. Lifting made me feel like a badass, and that feeling translated to the outside of the gym as well as I became more confident in myself. My body changed - for the first time in my life I didn't have a pancake ass and my legs became tree trunks. This has taken some getting used to because I got bigger - but also stronger. After awhile my training became more focused around lifting heavy and challenging myself physically. Changing gyms happened about a year ago when I found a functional fitness gym that catered to my needs better and had the most amazing "family" who inspired me to push even harder. And here I am now, training 4 times a week and just doing whatever I can to improve myself.

Running has fallen by the wayside and so has racing. I am just not into it like I used to be. Sometimes I feel bad about abandoning running, the thing that first shaped me into an athlete. But I can't let myself feel guilty for pursuing a passion. Weightlifting gives me that feeling that running once did. As a taller, larger woman I have never been agile or fast. Team sports were never my thing, and there was that one time my mom signed me up for gymnastics... yeah. With running I got ok, but I knew I wasn't cut out for endurance running. As a child I was good at swimming and even then had alot of upper body strength. I have muscle power and endurance. I can crush weights in the gym for HOURS. It's like this sport was meant for me. 

I am a weightlifter. What direction I will go with it, I'm not really sure. I will probably attempt a powerlifting competition and when I move I will probably end up at a Crossfit box. As long as I can lift heavy shit and feel awesome.

Tired gym face

And to help celebrate my birthday yesterday - I got 30 started off right with some PR attempts! I slept in, ate some good fuel, and got into the gym to discover it empty aside from trainer Sean. He was benching heavy so I asked if he could spot me for this PR attempt. But first it was time to squat. 

My old PR from April was 205. Goal - anything over 205. I did my warm up sets, belted and braced up for my attempt at 215. I got a good explosive push out of the squat which meant it was TOO EASY! Loaded 225 and fought to get that bar up which means yep, that's my max! 

This could be 2 big plates on each side!

Ok, feeling pretty damn awesome! Time to bench. I needed to beat 125 which I did 3 months ago or something. Goal - 130. I called in my awesome spotter Sean and got to work on that 130. WAY too easy. I put 140 on the bar. I was kind of in disbelief, like can I really lift this thing? The first attempt I had my grip too wide and I didn't really get it, so I corrected it and went in for attempt 2. That was one ugly lift and I had a teensy bit of help from Sean, but I bench pressed 140 lbs. 

And this could be 1 big plate + on each side!

I had NO IDEA I would do that well. Sean was like "well you must be stronger than you think you are!" I guess, god damn. Having no one to compare myself to, I did some research and I am OVER the standard for a (not even) 2-year old weightlifter. I am really happy with how well I did. Now the pressure is on to get a 225+ lb deadlift because theoretically you're supposed to deadlift MORE than your squat, but it is my worst lift and I have had to build myself back up after injury. But tomorrow I'm gonna get it, even if I have to use straps to deal with grip strength. 

30 will be my strongest year yet. 

Confidently strong

It's Thursday morning... a rest day! I am enjoying it after 3 days in a row of crushing it in the gym

I am so happy to have my binder. Why didn't I make one sooner? I am logging every exercise I do - how much weight and every rep. In 3 weeks I can see where my gains are happening. Furthermore, if I am really tired and want to cut corners this helps me do all my reps - because if I write them down and didn't actually do all of them I'll feel like I cheated. 

#175 with squats was a bit too easy last week. #50's for dumbbell bench. Heavy Turkish Get Ups were done too. I am also making huge improvements with push ups and pull ups now that I am doing them twice a week. Yesterday I got 11, 9, 7, 6 with pull ups and that's the best yet. I think when I can do 4 sets of 10 I will start using the purple band. I got some heavy pulling done with #120 too. The gains are real!!

The Black Hats are starting to notice me more too. Jason kept making comments about how inspiring I am and how he'd love to have me on the MMA side. And that was cool, because anyone can do MMA as long as they sign up/pay for it, but it was almost like a personal invitation. There's a new trainer and I think his name is Sean, we talked for a good while on Monday and then on Tuesday I saw him messing around with the grip trainer. It's these little metal cylinders that hang down off the top of our racks and you can grab them and hold on, do pull ups, etc. to improve your grip. I messed around on these things with my husband like 3 months ago and I couldn't even really grab onto them. So this guy is like "Come on over and try it!" I put a box up to it so I could step up and see how many pull ups I could do. I honestly had no idea what to expect - could I even do 1 at all? Got 2! They ain't easy, I could feel my back working so much harder to pull myself up while hanging on to the unstable grips. Then I took the box away and jumped for the grips. I had my hands on them and let go. He was like "Why did you let go?" I said I dunno, I didn't think I was actually gonna make it. He said "Maybe that's what happened right there" So I tried again, jumped up and got a perfect grip then pulled myself up for 1 jumping pull up. I wasn't expecting to do any of this today and I had no idea I was capable of it. Last time I tried was so abysmal and today I rocked out 3 pull ups on it. Yes I have gotten stronger since then but so much of it is mental. Like if you watch American Ninja Warrior and see someone who looks afraid they usually end up failing because they psych themselves out. If you're confident and trust your body to do what it knows how to do, you're much more likely to succeed. Sean decided to use the bars that affix the rack to the wall and swing across them. They are really far apart so they can't be monkey barred, you have to get a big swing and use momentum to reach the next bar. There are like 10 of these and during one of his attempts he almost made it all the way across. It was cool to watch and cheer him on. No way am I ready for that though, especially not with stacks of weights and foam rollers and shit underneath me!

This week I definitely turned some heads while deadlifting and doing sprints on the turf. I don't really know why, all I do is work hard in the gym.

Oh, I got my deadlifts at #195 for sets yesterday. Next Wednesday is the last session I have with Daniel. It happens to be my birthday, so we are maxing out to celebrate. Can I get 210? 215? 225? We will find out!

Feeling my age

Again it's been a little bit since I posted here. The main reason is my computer's motherboard went down so I was without a PC for several days.

In the last 2 weeks I have doubled my training. A heavy push day, heavy pull, then 2 more days of lighter lifting or whatever other stuff I want to do. I've also been trying to walk/run with my husband but this past week it only happened once cause life got in the way.

Already I'm noticing physical changes and strength gains! But man is it taking a toll. I woke up on Wednesday and every single historical injury site/nagging pain was flared up at the same time. Left heel, pulled my left hamstring Tuesday, lower back injury site from almost a year ago, and right shoulder. What is happening!!! Now I know it's probably my body adjusting to double the training. And now on Saturday I am feeling a little better. I tried not to let it slow me down, but I did listen to my body and skipped heavy deadlifts this week and just did lighter ones instead. I squatted heavy yesterday with knee braces on and today I actually feel better than I did before. In the last year I have learned to keep moving as long as it doesn't hurt, but don't be a hero and try to go heavy if my body is having an off day.

Oh, and on top of all these various pains I strained my neck last night just by getting off the couch wrong! It's like my body knows it'll be 30 in a couple weeks and it's laughing at me!

Well laugh all you want! I got #120 on my cable pulldowns and rows, moved up to the purple kettlebell for swings, and brought the #50's to the bench press party..

Sup 50's? It's good to see you above my head...

I am foam rolling, stretching, and epsom-salting the crap out of myself. I also learned to elevate the arms or legs and breathe deep right after a workout to help the lymphatic system drain and reduce soreness. I also got a new supplement from Legion called Recharge and it is legit! I am ALWAYS deathly sore after heavy squats and today I hardly feel a thing!

This week has been a challenge but I love it. I know in time I will adjust and as long as I keep working on rehabbing everything and listening to my body it'll be alright...

The hands that lift

Phew.. I am tired after a long day of appointments and errands. It all started at 7am with the gym though... Heavy deads, some sets of 185 and then 195 until I couldn't go anymore. I did really well with pull ups today and hit some new weights - 100lbs on pulldown, 35 face pulls, and used the 44 lb kettlebell for swings today. I had quite a strong morning I'd say!

My hands paid for it though, ripped open my left hand AGAIN! My calluses keep peeling off and tearing. I don't want to pick at them but I can't very well leave them hanging there either. So I did some research into this and ordered a hand balm that should help with this. I also learned that filing down the rough edges should help protect them from peeling and tears. I also should be moisturizing more, I do this already but I guess it's not enough. 

Left hand damage :(

I got a filer thingy that has a pumice stone on it and some hand scrub from Lush, used both today and it seems to have helped. I can't touch the open area with the filer yet but in a few days I'll sand down all the rough edges and hopefully end these problems!

We had a nice run/walk today, and I say run first because my husband ran 2 entire laps around the lake! He normally does 1/2 a lap before he has to stop. I wore my Garmin today and was happy to see my pace in the 10's and sub 10's. During our walk on Monday something crazy happened... we saw these 3 guys on bicycles and a fourth guy lying down off the path. We ran over because we knew something was wrong. Turns out the 3 bikers found this guy passed out on the path and during this moment the ambulance sirens could be heard and we ran up the path to direct the EMT's to the scene. This kid couldn't have been older than 18-20 and he was passed out, pale as a ghost, and not moving. A needle was found at the scene so this was obviously an OD. We watched the EMT's do their work from a distance and they eventually got him out of there and told us he'd survive. It was a crazy thing to see, I had never experienced anything like that aside from seeing people in the hospital where you expect to see them sick anyway, but seeing a body not moving and pale as death was very sad. I only hope this kid has a family who loves him and will help him get better. 

Anyway, enough for tonight. I am very tired and tomorrow will be another action packed day

Back to reality

I'm back from my little mini trip to Augusta. It may very well be my last visit. We are still hopeful we can move back there, or at the very least move to San Antonio. I'm tired of my astronomically high rent for a house in a place we don't love. It was nice to be back in a town that feels like home to me, even if the reason was to sell our house. It made me a little sad but it needed to be done. Now we'll be able to save our money for wherever it is we settle in to.

So now I'm back, my stomach is feeling all the food I've eaten this week but it'll get back to normal over the next day or so. I went to the gym yesterday and I am hella sore. I think ring rows are what did it, somehow they are much more challenging than TRX rows. My last set of deadlifts was 195 and it was tough. My official goal is now to hit 225 on my 30th birthday. On my last birthday I got 205 and that still holds as my PR because the injury happened about a month later. At the rate I'm going it looks like I'm gonna smash that. And it'll be cool because it will be 2 45# plates on each side, it may seem dorky but that feels like a huge step to me.

I have my notebook so I can now track my progress in the gym. I think this is really gonna help me evaluate things especially now that I am going 4 days a week. I also experimented with waking up a little earlier and just showering at home so I can make myself a meal. I needed some post workout protein and carbs and it's coming to me in the form of an egg and cheese bagel. This will also help me feel less hungry at work. In the past few weeks I found myself stopping at Starbucks for a breakfast sandwich for my post workout/pre work shift, and while they aren't so terrible for you at 300 some calories, the money adds up and I get tempted to get lattes and stuff.

One more exciting thing! That Crossfit clinic at work yielded me these!

My very own Nano 6! I'm kind of in love with it. 

It joins my family of Nanos

My old beloved teal Nano 4 (and an insole), it was my main gym shoe for the last 1.5 years and this thing has been through hell and back. I also have a blue one with yellow laces that is newer.

Nano 5, Murica edition. I love the way they look but I don't love the Nano 5. The heel doesn't fit my foot right and the Kevlar makes it so when the shoe bends at the toe area it digs into the top of my foot. I could straight up lift in it but I can't do any running, lunging, sleds, or anything that isn't just standing around. It's still cute though and I wear it for patriotic purposes sometimes.

The 6 is awesome so far. I don't have the problem where the Kevlar digs into my toes like the 5 did, the fit is maybe slightly narrow on the 6 but I can deal with it and it will get better with wear. The heel is perfect, it even feels firmer than previous Nanos, almost sort of like a Metcon - and I like it. The upper and lining feel great. It's comfortable and functional and I think it's gonna be a great shoe for me no matter what I do in the gym.


Well, I am off to the gym shortly for some heavy legs/upper body push. Also some shopping, house work, and just a relaxing day at home with my husband

Come back strong

Today is Saturday. I am actually working later today, I normally don't but it's a favor to a coworker who asked me to. Here is my week in review .....

Sunday night/monday morning my stomach was upset. The kind where it's just grumbly, bloated, and it feels like someone is driving a knife into you. It's not enough to bar me from going to work so I go but I'm miserable. I started feeling muscle soreness all over my body, the kind that usually happens when I have a fever. My boss wouldn't let me go home because he needed time to train the asst manager on something. Great. I suffered through the day, got home and sure enough I had a fever. I got in bed and ate my crackers and apple sauce. By this point I was so cold it actually hurt. I took Tylenol and went to sleep. Luckily the next day I had off but there was a Crossfit clinic at work. I was so excited about this for the last 2 weeks and I knew I wouldn't be able to work out. Tuesday morning I actually felt alot better and my fever was gone, but I was still feeling icky and I knew I couldn't work out. I went to the clinic to learn about the Nano 6 and just spectate. The clinic ended up being alot more informal than I thought it would be. The Reebok rep just explained Crossfit and the history of the Nano/what's new with the 6. I got a free towel and a Nano 6 but unfortunately my shoe was a 9 instead of 9.5 so I have to wait until sometime after the 1st to get the correct size. The workout was super simple and was just Tabatas with squats. 4 people did it in sets of 2 and I helped count their on/off periods and cheer on my partner Cass. I am the only serious weightlifter so most of them were not used to doing all these squats and you could see the pain on their faces. It was fun to be there for even if I was just watching.

I didn't lift on Wednesday either, that was really the last day for the residual "ick" to clear my system and I started to add normal food back in.

Thursday I went to the gym. I still wasn't feeling awesome but I had to move my body and keep my muscles from going soft on me. I just went full hog, heavy deadlifts and all my usual pull stuff.

185 on here, increasing weight next week!

Yesterday morning I did my push day so that meant heavy squat/bench/shoulder press and a bunch of other stuff. I am now lifting heavy for real again, I backed off for awhile and tried to change it up to moderate weight/reps but I just get so bored with that. I LIKE lifting heavy, to me it feels the most challenging and satisfying. On both days I did a run/walk with my husband.

So from being sick and doing nothing for 3 days to 2 a days of heavy lifting and 1 hour run/walk. I am tired in the best possible way :)

I am going to Augusta next week. We are selling our house. Even if we ever do move back (which right now doesn't look likely) we weren't gonna stay in that house long term so we'd end up finding something different. I did love it though. Being back in town will be nice, but it may be the last time we go and that's kinda sad. When I get back I'm organizing my training so it makes more sense. I will now lift 4 times a week (2 push/2 pull, 1 workout might be heavy lifts and the other might be lower weight with some HIIT/conditioning stuff?), then walk for an hour with my husband in the afternoons. So 2 a days. Then probably run on my own once/twice a week and do bootcamp class as time allows. I am also thinking about how to get the right post workout nutrition to fuel all this activity and make me not starving at work. My plan is to go to the gym earlier and come back home, shower there and eat a bagel/egg/cheese sandwich for some post workout carbs and protein.

That about sums it up for now.. coming up, another long break from the gym due to traveling and then back to it again

3 year comparison

I'm back from a little weekend mini trip to see my parents. It's always interesting visiting them, they are a crazy bunch for sure. I had a good time though, didn't eat horrible and got quite a bit of activity in. My mom wanted to take a walk every 5 minutes and normally I'm down for that but - it was HOT, yo. Like 97 degrees every day. One day we got a long walk in before 10am then hung out at the botanical garden for awhile and I was just dying in that hot sun. We walked downtown alot too and even saw a crafts festival. My dad and I toured the naval base on boat which was cool. We also watchd the Olympics on and off while I was there.

Now that I'm back I am trying to buckle down again on my eating habits. I was doing good for awhile then fell off track a little bit. I didn't really gain any weight though so that's good.

This summer I am really noticing my composition changing due to lifting. And honestly I've kind of struggled with it a little. I have put on some fat compared to where I was 3 years ago, because my weight back then was incredibly hard to maintain. I was running alot and pretty much starving myself so I didn't stay that thin for very long. And over 3 years I've slowly slipped on diet and gained weight.

The left is me at the Army Ball in Augusta 2013, the right is me last weekend

I have mixed feelings. I have never had big legs or a big ass and now I have these tree trunk legs. I do love my strong legs, they are all muscle aside from my inner thighs. My whole lower body is just bigger than it's been in my whole life and it's very different from what I am used to. My upper body has always been big and now it's bigger. Up close you can tell I have muscle, but when I stand relaxed my arm fat tends to hide it. The reason I'm comparing these pictures is to help me figure it out in my head, and I think now I know that I want to be kind of a mix of these two. I was way too skinny 3 years ago, my head is way too big for the rest of my body and it doesn't look right. 155 lbs on my 5'8 large frame looks awkward. This was only maintainable for like 2 months anyway. But now I am more pudgy than I'd like. The quads and booty can stay, but the belly has got to get a little smaller. I am hovering around 180 right now. I am thinking a muscular 170-165 is where I wanna be. And you know what - I have gotten more compliments than ever in the last 6 months. "What sport do you play?/what do you do?/you're in such good shape!" so I think if I can just trim a few pounds I'll really notice a difference in my pull ups and running and be in even better shape!

I had an awesome morning in the gym, I don't know if it was my massage last week, some time off, or a little bit of extra food, but I absolutely crushed it. My watch said I burned 500 calories and that's ALOT for a lifting session. I also ran/walked with my husband, he has been doing it every day for the last couple weeks and I join him when I can.

And there's a whole nother week crammed into a post. Until next time ..

Gym, running, life

My muscles are feelin it, yo

Thursday ended up being this rando full body workout I made up on the spot. I was 5 minutes late for bootcamp and their rule is if you miss the 5 minute warm up jog you can't do class. Oh well, that just meant some creative thinking on my part. How could I get some cardio and lifting done on the weights side of the gym? It went something like this

Power cleans #75 -  5 sets of 10 (ooof)
Turkish get ups

Then I loaded up #65 for 10 of each, 3 sets
Deadlift
RDL
Row
Squat
Press
Good morning

Then -
Kettlebell swings
Burpees
Jump rope

That was enough to get me tired.

Stretching buddies

This morning I got a 2.5 mile run in, and a few steps in I realized I forgot my watch. I could have gone like 20 feet back into my house to get it but I was like nahh... I'll go without this time and see what happens. Some people say it's better to run "naked" because you can just dial in to your natural pace and not worry so much about what the clock says. At the end of my run I had some idea of how fast I went because of my Milestone pod, and as it turns out I was somehow a little faster than normal today. I was struggling though - 80 and humid, I didn't have any real pain but my legs were just sort of fatigued this morning. During the first half of my run I noticed a really strong cologne smell that was just lingering around the air. Even without my watch I have a good idea of mile markers on my usual running route. How about this.. I seriously didn't pass the guy until 1/4 mile later that's how strong this stuff was. When I was actually near him I was coughing and practically choking from the stuff, it was so potent and disgusting. It's bad enough that the hot humid air is already trying to choke me to death. Yay, Columbia residents!

Today we got rained out of our climbing trip again but instead we're going to go play some racquetball. My husband got into it while he was stationed in Korea and now we're finally gonna play together

I'm going to be watching some of the Olympics, especially weightlifting. This is the first year I've really been excited about it, maybe because I was never active myself until 2012. Somehow this year I have a better appreciation for the talent of the athletes.

When I'm too hard on myself

It's Thursday, and I'm finally getting back to normal. It took me about a week to get back into the gym due to being ill last week - then on top of that, over the weekend I had girl troubles and also ran out of my blood pressure meds. I felt like shit on Sunday and had to go 3 more days without my meds. Seems like everything falls apart at once sometimes.

Yesterday was my first time back in the gym and it happened to be a deadlift day. We had 1 hour to work with because I missed last week, so at the end we worked on pull ups and some other accessory stuff.

Ever look back on yourself and say "Wow, I was really acting like a douche!" Well that was me yesterday. I was really down on myself in the gym and made alot of comments about how all this stuff was wrong with me right now, how I need to lose weight to get back to where I used to be with pull ups, and while we were doing some lunges my knee started to hurt so that launched a discussion about the various "broken" parts of my body. I felt so tired - my heart was racing and I thought it was about to pop out of my chest. Not having my meds was taking a huge toll. I felt like a weakling struggling to get through this workout which wasn't even anything too crazy challenging aside from the deads. After I left the gym I realized what a whiny little bitch I must have sounded like. I guess it's easy to be your own worst enemy when life doesn't go smoothly. And I am particularly hard on myself, my entire life I have struggled with self esteem issues and as my husband puts it "kicked my own ass before I even started the fight". Yesterday I realized something. No, I may not be lifting as heavy as I want to right now, but I am back where I was 1 year ago when this picture below was taken - I had just gotten my first big PR of 185.

That gym had tiny ass bumper plates but yes, it's 185

Yesterday I did it 3 times and probably could have gone another set - my limiting factor was grip because a week of not doing anything caused my calluses to peel off. This weight was challenging but doable. And best of all, I am having no pain at my injury site. I am feeling it in all the right places as opposed to before when my form was all wrong. Yes, I may be too hard on myself, but I'm making progress. Could I pull 205 on my birthday again this year? Yes, and I'll probably try for 215 at least. 230 is possible with time and training. And while I feel like I've been stuck in the same place forever, I am still pretty strong. When I feel like I'm overweight people always remind me I'm in decent shape. This week I had THREE people ask what my sport was because I looked "strong" or in "good shape" and one person asked me if I was a swimmer - yes, I used to be!

I just realized I gotta cut this short and get over to the gym for bootcamp... so until next time ....

Highs and Lows

This week started off awesome..

Monday morning I hit the gym and it was a feisty one. I like to call it Kettlehell

These were my buddies for a brutal 35 minutes.

(with the 2 pink bells)
Overhead presses
Squats
Swings (with Blue there cause it was easier to just handle the 1 heavier bell)
Rows
RDL's

10 reps of each, no rest between sets until the end of the circuit which was about 40s rest. I did it 12 times.

This was apparently enough to attract the attention of the other girl that was in there at the time, she came up to me afterward and was like "I was wondering if you were ever gonna stop!" Well I seriously thought about it... those last few sets were all mental, I had to just make my mind take control of the situation and force the body to do the movement.

And it was a warm 87 degrees outside - my gym has little to no air conditioning

It was gloriously exhausting. I was so tired on Monday, but I felt like I had gotten a great start to the week and planned on following up with - a run, deadlifts/pull, push, a bootcamp class, and a special adventure on Saturday!

But then I fell ill on Tuesday. It's kind of a TMI situation, but right now I can't go to work or exercise. And blam, there goes my awesome start to the week.

Oh well, it happens. I'm using the time to get caught up on some life stuff - and non life stuff by binge watching Team Ninja Warrior - my husband has a few interviews and we're hearing rumors that they need butts in seats and a move could possibly happen within 2 weeks? Cuh-Razy!!! 2 weeks is actually a bit terrifying because I would have so much to do and we're still in the process of selling our house/then we'll have to find a new house and stay in a hotel for a long ass time. I am traveling to VA to see my parents and then I'm going to Augusta at the end of the month (if we're not already living down there by then!) so there's gonna be alot of LIFE happening. I am gonna stay on it though because during the last move I did nothing and lost SO much fitness. Building myself back up from nothing sucked and I'm not doing that again. If a move happens I'll likely find a gym/Crossfit box and just start going immediately. And run the canal/FATS.

So I get to rest for a few days, I am hoping I can do bootcamp tomorrow but it's looking unlikely. But Saturday is my 6th wedding anniversary and regardless of how things are with my body, we are going to the Sandy Spring Adventure park! It's one of those tree climbing/obstacle park things! I have wanted to do one forever and I'm super excited to play around in the trees.

Busy week

Man, what a week.

Last Saturday we sold our house and bought a car on the same day! We now have 2 Jeeps, my husband got this crazy fully loaded Wrangler (and I still have my Patriot) and he totally loves it. I am not so crazy about the price but he has worked his ass off so he wanted to treat himself.

And in new developments, we once again might be moving back to GA! My husband is interviewing with other companies since he isnt' 100% happy with his and they don't have any positions down there. He has 2 interviews so far with possibly more on the way, there are a shit ton of positions open so we're cautiously optimistic that this will happen.

I kinda took a few days off from exercise, I guess I was tired and just needed to sleep in. But now I'm back full force

- Got my pull/deadlift day, those heavy deads wore me out. I didn't eat much the night before and I felt the consequences. Last week my injury site hurt a bit after deadlift day, but this week I have no problems. The morning after my glutes were even just the slightest bit sore - it's nearly impossible to make mine feel sore, the only exercise I have found that does is single leg squats.

- Ran yesterday morning and sprinted at the end
- Got a double because my husband wanted to go to the gym that afternoon. I just did a bunch of full body stuff, 5 sets of clean/press, and also Turkish get ups, snatches, burpees, and jump rope.

- I am about to go do my leg and push day!

I am SUPER tired. On top of being busy with life stuff/exercise I also just survived 5 incredibly busy days at work.

After the gym/errands/shoe clinic at work, I will probably come home, eat Chipotle, watch Spartan Team Challenge and pass out on the couch :)

2 weeks

I have been at it for a couple weeks now - watching what I eat and restricting calories for fat loss.

I'm down 9 lbs and 1% body fat (sitting at 26%). I dig it... thinking I'd like to see 24 or below.

So far I'm doing alright with food, I eat "bad" every now and then but I try not to go overboard with portions, and I don't give in to every single solitary craving like I used to. Some days I feel more "fat" than others, but one of the coaches at the gym made a comment about how he's already noticed me getting leaner :)

This week so far it's been bootcamp, 2 mile run, and lifting this morning. We're deadlifting on Wednesdays now, today it was 3 sets of 175x5. We upped the reps by 2 and it's challenging at this weight, but next week we're moving up to 185. Also did some other back/pull exercises before heading off to a tech session at work. Tomorrow I will run another 2 miles and then do some sprints at the end.

I'm in somewhat less pain than last week. For some reason everything was acting up at the same time, but I must have slept real good last night cause today I woke up and the hamstring was much better. Feet, knee, and shoulders are ok. The right ankle and shin are a bit sore, but I think it's cause I ran yesterday and today I just felt it when jumping rope and such.

Some days it feels like I'm not progressing at all, but today's body fat results and progress pics gave me relief and showed me I am seeing some improvement. And I have to keep reminding myself that I've been through all this before and that it's a really slow process. Change comes in time :)

Can I just get new legs?

Sigh.

On top of dealing with my on again off again hamstring problems with the left leg, my right leg apparently wants to join the party too.

The right leg has historically had problems with running. I used to have hip pain and a chronic knot in that calf. These are all problems that only happen when I run and not when I lift. The hip doesn't always hurt, but with enough miles/use the calf thing is a given and I have to massage it constantly. Today things were bad. I did wear my compression sleeves because I knew it would be sore, but I still ended up with pain all over my right leg. Hip, calf, medial shin, and ankle today! What the heck is going on? The good thing is I didn't notice much pain during running, but the instant I stopped I was actually limping because of it! When I got home I spent a good while massaging the calf and it feels much better now which is a very good sign. I know this is all muscular, and it probably has to do with a tight hip and the fact that the right ankle overpronates pretty bad. I know all these things are connected, and it'll just be a matter of getting back my running strength and figuring out which tight muscles are the problem. 

I had a good run until I stopped. And tomorrow I have a massage scheduled which is gonna be much needed. I have put myself through it lately, active 6x a week WHILE on a calorie restricted diet for fat loss. I guess it's no wonder things hurt a little. I will roll out and rest up for tomorrow, and possibly tape up the hamstring for my super barbell complex which will likely leave me on the floor. It's so good though. 

Even if stuff hurts, I'd rather be doing what I do than doing nothing at all.

Resetting

It's now been a week and a half since I started restricting calories to lose some extra blub. While on vacation I realized clothes fit differently than last summer, I looked different in pictures, and when I got back I stepped on the scale and I did not like it at all...

Since the initial weigh in I have lost about 8 lbs. I think most of it is bloat but hey, it's 8 lbs. I also measured myself one week ago and then again today. I've always had a pot belly so the largest part of my belly is a measurement I'm tracking, and in a week I have lost .5 inches off there.

My diet is better now, and I've stuck to it for the most part. I'm surprisingly not as hungry as I thought I'd be, there was really only one day when I was super hungry and kinda fell off the rails a bit. But I've been down this road before and I know stuff like that is going to happen. I don't have to be perfect 100% of the time, but as long as I do the right things most of the time the change will occur.

Lifting hasn't changed a whole lot, I'm just not going crazy heavy all the time right now aside from the deadlift. I am hitting reps with 175 there and not having any problems. Yesterday in fact I felt pretty strong with it. I'm doing bootcamp twice a week and running 1-2 times a week. Certain muscles are cranky, the bad hamstring is acting up right now but I'm stretching/massaging and it helps. The calves are also angry but they will get used to running again. As far as bootcamp goes, I wore my watch the last 2 times and was a little underwhelmed at the result. It shows calories burned around 380 for both classes. I thought it would be like 500+. Oh well, that's why I got the watch... now I know not to overeat. I am going to experiment with the watch a bit though, because both times I left it running the whole time and there are parts where we rest and where the coach walks us through each station. I wonder if pausing it during rest will give a different result. We shall see.